Appearing in all 146 episodes of New Girl, Nick Miller went from being the relatively normal and down-to-earth loft resident to the craziest, most ridiculous and lovable character on the show. In a lot of ways (more than I would care to admit), this Chicago-born, semi-alcoholic, unambitious grouch represents a large chunk of people in the world. It’s safe to say that if you yourself don’t identify as a Nick, you’ll certainly know someone that does. He’s the guy that doesn’t really have his professional or personal life quite figured out, often choosing the easy and comfortable route instead of the slightly challenging one that will take his life in a more exciting and fulfilling direction.
While this could be utterly depressing in the real-world, it makes for a lot of fun and opens the door to some undeniably brilliant moments on television. Over the course of seven seasons, Nick Miller dropped some hilarious one-liners, delivered some surprisingly emotional speeches and managed to steal our hearts along the way. More than anything, however, it’s Nick’s hilarious, shocking and downright bonkers confessions that cemented him as the most relatable and lovable member of Jess’ tight-knit friendship group.
To celebrate one of television’s most bizarre and undeniably lovable characters, we’ve ranked ten of Nick Miller’s funniest and most random confessions. Check out the list below and fall in love with New Girl’s grumpiest character all over again.
Horses Are From Outer Space
Nick: “I believe horses are from outer space.”
Jess: “I believe that too!”
Nick: “Okay, good.”
While this is certainly one of Nick’s most bizarre confessions, I think we can all agree that it’s not the stupidest thing we’ve ever heard.
To prepare for Schmidt’s upcoming attempt to wreck their relationship, Nick and Jess each confess their biggest secrets. Towards the end of the conversation, Nick reveals that he believes horses are from outer space, which is made even funnier when Jess agrees with this opinion. If anyone needs further proof that these two belong together, I’ll be waiting.
Dinosaurs Never Existed
“I don’t believe dinosaurs existed. I’ve seen the science. I don’t believe it.”
It’s very hard to argue against science when it comes to the existence of dinosaurs, but Nick Miller is more than willing to fight that fight. During Schmidt’s birthday party on a pimped out school bus Nick confesses to Julia that even though he’s looked at the science and done his research, he doesn’t believe dinosaurs ever roamed the face of the earth.
The Moon Landing Was Fake
Nick: “Okay, the moon landing…which is obviously fake…”
Jess: “No it’s not obviously fake. Are you crazy?”
Nick: “No that’s actually not…The moon landing is definitely fake by the way. The shadows are off!”
It might be the least surprising thing we ever learned about Nick Miller over the course of seven seasons, but the reveal that he believes the moon landing was a hoax is undoubtedly one of the characters’ funniest confessions!
In an attempt to strengthen their relationship, Nick and Jess confess some of their darkest secrets, and Jess is shocked to learn that her boyfriend doesn’t believe the moon landing actually happened.
The Post Office Incident
“When I was thirteen years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office.”
While listing off some of the strangest things he has ever done in his life, Nick quickly reveals that at the age of thirteen he “made love” to himself behind a post office.
Much like many of the confessions on this list, the post office incident works thanks to Jake Johnson’s delivery, however, the randon nature of the confession and the downright hilarity of the situation makes it one of our favourite Nick Miller moments.
The Dirty Towel
Nick: “I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?”
Schmidt: “You never wash your towel?”
Nick: “What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? You got to think here pal.”
While Nick’s argument makes a certain amount of sense (if you’re a crazy person), revealing that he never washes a towel is perhaps one of the craziest and funniest Nick moments in the entire series.
When Schmidt and Nick finally learn that they’ve shared a towel for an extended period of time, Schmidt is disgusted to learn that Nick doesn’t only use the towel on a daily basis, but refuses to wash it afterwards.
His Distrust Of Fish
“Schmidt, no. Absolutely not. No! I don’t trust fish. They breathe water, that’s crazy.”
To be fair, the more you think about the ocean and what lies beneath its surface, the more correct and relatable Nick becomes. When he returns home to find Schmidt assembling a fish tank in the middle of the loft, Nick shockingly reveals that he has a deep lack of trust of fish, saying that their ability to breathe underwater makes them an untrustworthy species.
Blueberries Are Horrifying
Jess: “So far, Nick Miller’s list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships…”
Nick: “And blueberries.”
It might sound ridiculous, but I think we can all agree that there is something very peculiar about blueberries. While talking to Jess at the bar about his inability to call Julia his girlfriend, Nick reveals the random and wildly bizarre fact that blueberries are alongside sharks, real relationships and tap water as his greatest one of his biggest fears.
The Lemon
“When I was ten, I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck into her room and I put a lemon in her mouth.”
While Nick putting a lemon in his sleeping mothers mouth isn’t the funniest prank of all-time, it’s so hilariously random that it is quite simply one of the funniest and most relatable things the character has ever said on the show.
The Dead Penis
“My sixteenth year I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead.”
I mean, we’ve all been there…right guys? One of Nick’s funniest confessions comes when the character is trying to lie during Winston’s LAPD visit, choosing to tell the officer all of the worst things he has ever done in order to hide the fact that Jess is dumping a bag of meth in the next room.
Cereal Flakes
“When I was nine years old I fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died. Then there was a period of time where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Squirrels can live through it. Chipmunks can live through it. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies and I don’t understand why.”
Nick’s cereal flake confession lands at the top of our list for one simple reason, it’s undoubtedly the most random and outrageously hilarious thing the character has ever said. In an attempt to hide the truth from Winston’s superior at the LAPD, Nick confesses to experimenting on various small creatures to understand why some could eat cereal flakes and others could not.
